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[01 Aug 2009|12:51am] |
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How I hate these dirty words I emulate
How i hate ruining what I create
How I hate this (and I hate that
you don't fall for it) - this
sinner's serenade
He knows not what he's done to himself
What he's done to others
He hides behind words
he hides behind liquor
He hides in his bedroom with his guitar
screaming, "Sinner!"
I don't fucking know what to say. I wish someone would ask me what was up. I wish I still knew someone from high school. I wish someone in high school had known me. I wish I was still that girl; the person I am know is a piece of shit.
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[31 May 2009|11:50pm] |
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merrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
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[14 Jan 2006|03:45pm] |
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[13 Jan 2006|04:14pm] |
Man, today has been good. Except for Max being a bastard, but who cares, right? Christian woke me up at 2:00 A.M. (which I was cool with, I have a sleeping schedule of 6:00 P.M. to 4:00 A.M. right now anyway). For some weird reason he & Jordan were hanging out outside my room. Anyway, we & another guy ended up hanging out in my room (hurrah for having a single) for a few hours. We talked about blackies, beer, and guns. Hahaha, so white trash. I talked to Christian until almost 7:00 A.M. Nice. Hopefully I'll be doing something fun with him tonight... I could really use it.
Haha, also, he showed up at work the other day... my first day working with that woman who has suicide scars all up and down her arm but, I think, is really christian? ... and we just chatted about fucking. Good times. I hope she didn't feel like I was being rude, but hey, I had to know who that random chick in his bed was. haha. Vagina mouth.. I really want to ask her what her scars are all about, but she is probably asked that all the time, so I'm going to try to be respectful and not ask. Or get someone else to ask for me... haha, I'm awful.
My WS 599 course has been canceled for the term due to illness. I think it's lame to just close a graduate class without advanced warning. They could have found someone else to teach. It might not have been as good as the seasoned professor, but hey, it would be good enough for me. Plus, the class was supposed to be co-taught, so if one prof. is sick, why not just have the other take over, you know? I find it hugely disappointing... hopefully I can take it next year, if the people in the class & I can't get together some sort of independent study, but I'm not even sure if it is offered then.
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[11 Jan 2006|06:27am] |
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Jens Lekman - A Man Walks into a Bar. |
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$479.90. I think, that's not bad. And then I realize that's for an entire three months of work. At least minimum wage is now $7.50 and I'm working more hours this quarter.
Math: is not so bad. The instructor is one of us. He understands how much we hate that stuff, and the fact that we'd never step foot in that classroom if it weren't for Bac. Core. He swears a lot and I love his shoes.
General Psychology: I feel like I've been through all of this before. I took gen. psych. at the CC when I was sixteen. It was a five-credit class. OSU just took the same five-credit class and divided it into 201 and 202 to total six credits. I love psychology, but I get the feeling this might be really lame to rehash the basics.
History of Psychotherapy: Sr. level class taught by a professor who's actually practiced. I like that. Not too sure how I really feel about the class yet, but it looks good so far. We have to read at least five books. I'm not good at actually doing work, but this is about my major, so maybe it won't feel so tedious anyway. My prof. looks like an old lady lesbian who has a kid and wears a wedding ring. She has an I-pod hooked to her fanny pack.
Nutrition and Lifetime Fitness: ...um. Yeah, I've also already taken this lame-ass class. But OSU only accepts credit for this required class if it's taken at their school. Ridiculous. There are more students than their are chairs and the lecture goes on forever.
I'll let you know how my WS 599 (graduate level, yay) goes once I take it, but I think if there is anything I'm passionate about this quarter, that will be it.
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| but i still want to live together. |
[09 Jan 2006|07:39am] |
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I'm used to being inexperienced and ignorant, but this sense of profound dependence and inherently inept nature is really getting to me. I feel foolish for telling everyone Andrew should have been here by now & that I was hoping to have moved out by this point. Getting married is such a big deal. I like to think that it's not. It's just moving in together. But instead of thinking about the now, the fun of living together, hanging out all the time - I feel like I have to worry about everything in the future. My biggest fear is that things will grow stagnant. That one of us will stop bringing something to the relationship, and the relationship will become futile. I'm also very afraid that I might... um, ruin Andrew's life. He's giving up everything to come here. What if he doesn't like it here in the end? What if he's never happy with friends or work or anything here? Jayme told Marsha he was afraid we'll isolate when we live together, I'm afraid of that, too. It's important to have a life outside of your home... I hope I'm not taking any chance of that away from Andrew. :/ It wouldn't be such a big deal if we'd already lived in the same city... if he didn't like it, if things didn't turn out, he could just move out and return to his own life again.
I also feel bad when I think of us years from now. Like... to entertain the idea that we'll be together when we're much older is somehow evil, that it represents shackling him down, and expecting more of him than any guy his age should even want to think about giving.
I don't know. Maybe I feel like neither of us is grounded enough in our own lives to start one together.
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| It wouldn't be so lonely... |
[06 Jan 2006|05:06am] |
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Elliott Smith - I Better be Quiet Now. |
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It’s amazing how comfortable I am with college. I find myself referring to it as “home.” It felt so alien before I arrived, I couldn’t even imagine what life would be like once I left this place, but it was a seamless adjustment. There is no lingering intimidation or the hyper active self-conscious mindset I’ve suffered from for most of high school and my two previous years of a local college. It’s strange how content I am there… how many memories I have of going out for ice cream at midnight with large groups of people, hanging out and watching movies and plays… and yet I feel like I still don’t know anyone. If I didn’t live with these people, I don’t think we’d ever talk to each other. I have made one friend (friend seems like such a fifth grade term) since arriving… I hope next quarter is better.
This is the last time I will ever stay here for any extended period. This is the last time I will ever step into this house while it is still my “real” home. Sometime this quarter I’ll get that apartment I’ve been talking about for forever. Maybe I spend too much time thinking about it, but it’s all I really want right now. I want to live with him and be happy.
I feel like we’re growing farther apart. We rarely talk. When we do, it’s usually short and unsatisfying, unless we're on the phone. If I didn't know the difference, living alone'd probably be ok... It’s no one’s fault – it’s the distance. It just makes things so difficult. It was easy when we hadn’t spent time together yet… It’s so much harder to connect when you can’t touch, hear the other person’s voice, or watch his face… I understand he has his own life. I hope I’m not being selfish. I just wish he’d call me more.
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| so i got your electronic address, to say i love you |
[28 Dec 2005|06:48pm] |
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Figurine - An Electronic Address |
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i turn my computer on
i see that there's no mail
i turn my computer off
is this love for real?
i turn my computer on
i check three times a day
i turn my computer off,
contact me right away
so much copper wire
enough to wind the galaxy
and still it seems impossible
for you to get to me
so much copper wire
enough to wrap around the world
and nothing seems to reach you...
so much copper wire
enough to to go and fill the sea
and still it seems impossible
for you to get to me
so much copper wire
enough to reach around the sun
and all i need for it to do
is tell you you're the one
so much copper wire
it will stretch across the galaxy
so why is it that you simply can't
send your love to me?
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| man, i love spoon. |
[27 Dec 2005|04:30pm] |
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I didn't sleep the night after Christmas, so I went shopping in the morning. I finally found the perfect boots. Maybe I should have bought two pairs, with the way I've worn out my others. They didn't have any in my size. :( So I had to special order them. I had them sent to my dorm address... I hope they get there. I also got bakeware for the apartment. yay for muffin tins. And pillows.
I really need to pack.
Dramamine is my new best friend. I get dizzy all the time anymore and I don't know why. I thought it might have had something to do with July, but it's so persistent. Someone told me it might be an allergy. I don't have health insurance anymore (hurray for becoming an adult) so I guess I'll never know.
Andrew called me yesterday. It was great.
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[25 Dec 2005|12:17am] |
Hurrah for X-mas (I've decided to no longer use the word Christ...). This was the second holiday in a row where everyone was sober! Amazing. Things went really well... I hadn't seen that many presents since I was a little kid. Everything I got was on my list (yeah, like any other seven year old, I made a list) or was something I wanted and needed anyway. Almost everything I got was for the apartment. :) A shiny toaster, blender (hurrah! it matches my toaster), knife set (yay, I even got a cleaver. I can kill so many things now!), a guide book on decorating (too bad you can't paint apartments...), scented candles (yay, sex), oven mits (even those make me happy because they're shiny and something else that makes me more independent), a printer/scanner combo, and money. I also got some cute elephant earings (quirky) from Randy & Ryan.
Last year all I got was a windshield scrapper, disposable cameras, and some cash. Haha, I sound like a greedy whore. :/ I wish I could have gotten people better presents.
Tomorrow is dinner at Randy's. It sounds like it should be good - he always has good food... except for that pickled watermelon incident. I can't believe Andrew actually ate it...
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| I feel like life has started without me. |
[21 Dec 2005|07:14pm] |
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Rilo Kiley - All the Good that Won't Come Out |
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I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street...
Oh man, I'm fucked up. I have no social life. I'm lonely. Do you ever feel like you're just waiting for life to begin?
Andrew and I don't talk near enough. Last year... we were together, at this hour on this day we were probably coming home from going out or making babies or watching bad movies or something... the year before that we spent hours talking every day. I feel so alone. I really hate wow. A friend of mine from the dorms asked me how I know he isn't cheating on me. He asked because, I think, he would be surprised if a girl like me didn't get cheated on. I feel bad when I tell people I have a boyfriend because I'm so unattractive. People like me aren't expected to have anyone. I feel embarrassed - for him, I guess? ... We were supposed to be together this month and move in to our new place during the new year. Things are taking a lot longer than they should have, now there is no new place or new year together... I just wish we weren't so separated.
I guess I'm depressed.
I made rosettes, sunbuckles, lefse, norwegian flatbread & krumkake with my grandfather on Monday and Tuesday for Christmas. I'll go over tomorrow to finish the fattigmand and make something new. That's the only good thing that's happened as a result of coming home. I hope Christmas goes well...
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| But it doesn't mean I don't want to be alive. |
[20 Dec 2005|03:04am] |
I just finished watching a documentary about rehab. I don't know what to say, I guess I just feel like talking. It's hard to think about my past. I wish I had someone to talk this out with because there are a lot of things I want to get out, but that I just don't feel comfortable being so open about. I know I'm not anywhere as bad as I used to be... but I've also only quit half-way. I'm still in it and I don't really know what to do. I'm still not ready to give this up. But I don't hate myself anymore... and I know I'm really lucky for that. It keeps me from getting worse. But if I'm not getting worse and I'm not getting better, then where am I going? What's happening to me?
I'm still trying to forget life, you know?
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[16 Dec 2005|04:59pm] |
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from garden state soundtrack |
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I'm back home. It isn't too bad, Marsha is still sober, and the place looks a lot nicer than it used to be. Except for my room... which became the dumping ground for everything she didn't know what to do with, I guess. I need to clean and pack and hope I don't get killed by spiders. Marsha and I still fight more than I'd expected, though. I need to stop that... it just reminds me of what a god awful person I've been and I would feel so much more responsible for her next downfall (but let's hope there isn't one). Max calls me a lot.
Finally got my work schedule... I think I'll be working 16 hours a week with Sundays off. Most of my shifts are with some girl who giggles a lot and has outrageous verticle scars all the way up each forearm. It looks like she should be dead. There will be some guy(?) name Lijuan and another one named Seth, who I might know, I never caught his name, and if this is him, well, he's not so bad. So, other than my boss, I'll only be working with one person I actually know. She's nice, but not very fun. Everyone I wanted to work with either has drastically different hours or isn't even on the schedule. hurrah for life.
I'm taking HSTS 440: History of Psychotherapy, NFM 232: Nutrition & Lifetime Fitness, WS 599: Women & Eating Disorders, and PSY 202: Gen. Psych. I guess I won't have a lot of free time... I'll actually have to study for once. I can't pass math if I don't. I hate math. PSY 202 and NFM 232 look like they should be pretty easy. Even HSTS 440 shouldn't be so bad. I hope.
I really do want to be better next quarter... I mean, I did pretty good this time around. A's in every class but the one (the complete disappointment about epistomology) that I ended up hating. I just... didn't do much of the reading that I should have. And I was kind of a social loser all over again. Yeah, I should really work on that.
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| I can't wait for this week to end. |
[03 Dec 2005|04:09pm] |
Last night was pretty good. Lindsey called me and we talked for hours, my roommate moved out while I was on the phone so I didn't even have to talk to her, and then Max called me and we were on the phone until almost 3:00 A.M. Yeah, it would be so much cooler if my friends actually lived here... or anywhere close to here. I definitely need to get to know and hang out with more people, but I never feel like I'm good enough to or that I fit in enough. My personality is so much different that everyone else's... I feel like it really puts me on the outside.
Also, you know, in the past few months, I've sort of "moved past" hating myself and feeling worthless. I don't even think about it anymore. Yeah, once in a while, something triggers me and I'll spend a little while really paranoid & with those same shitty thoughts. But whenever I read something dealing with those issues... I don't know. I can't stop crying. Whenever it happens I feel like I've only been ignoring how worthless I am... as though nothing has really changed except for how much attention I pay to it.
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| forever after |
[01 Dec 2005|06:57pm] |
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Placebo - Ask for Answers. |
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Someone asked me the other day, how I know Andrew isn't cheating on me. ...
I feel uncomfortable and uninvited. Actually, I was invited to go do something interesting this evening, but I doubt I'll actually get the chance to go. When it happens, I imagine no one will bother filling me in. </optimism>
All but one of my classes are over. Yeah, I still have finals next week, but only two of those. I'm going to really miss my feminist philosophies class, and really be glad to get rid of epistomology. That class was shit. I still have to write a paper for it by tomorrow afternoon. Ugh. I also still need to start on my term paper. Jah, I'm a loser.
I woke up this morning and I had no idea what time it was or how I'd gotten there. I'd actually gone to bed "early" (after tossing and turning I think I made it by 3:00 A.M.) for once... no wonder everything felt so strange. I am so excited (well, glad anyway) to be going home in a week. And I won't really have any obligations other than work next week. Yeah, I'm not going to do anything good with my new free time. I am just going to try to block everything out, because by then, I'll no longer have to wake up for anything. Or bother to get dressed or look presentable or... anything. I can just block it all out again.
(How sad it is that what I look forward to most is not existing... not waking up, no responsibility, no obligations, not interacting, just being a void... just laying in bed all day or zoned out after ****ing... yeah, I'm looking forward to that most. How fucking stupid I am. I'd even do worse if I wasn't supposed to have quit. At least that's one good thing I did, right? But what a fucking joke it feels like when I just did everything else worse afterwards.)
Heh, I really have become the person I hated as a kid. I couldn't stand people that just "avoided and blocked everything out." But I have always been one of those people... I guess now I'm just more aware of it and more open about it. Sometimes self-awareness seems like the worst thing (even though I'm such a huge advocate of it) ... because if you aren't ready to change, then you're just more aware of what you need to do to get worse, if that's what you want. And I guess that's me. My immediate future isn't even worth living for. Wow. My future in a couple months from now, though, will never be worth giving up. So I'll just keep trying to "pass through" ... as if I can escape my own life or disappear. Take a vacation, perhaps? Just for a couple months. I've been trying for years and it still hasn't worked...
Not that I want to die or give anything up. The transitional stage just really sucks.
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| haunted. |
[28 Nov 2005|02:59am] |
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Sufjan Stevens - John Wayne Gacy, Jr. |
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Things have gotten very stressful. Going away for 4 days was supposed to be refreshing. It almost would have been, if I'd never come back here. It looks like my roommate is moving out. She has not told me that she's planning to, but on my whiteboard there are messages from the girl down the hall who is transfering winter quarter, messages about my roommate moving into her old room. It really shouldn't matter. I should be moving out during winter break myself. I've been hoping and waiting for this for months. Counting down the days. Andrew recieved his information on the interview while I was gone. It turns out one of the documents he needs will take over a month to acquire. Forty more days added onto the countdown. Winter break ends in 40 days. I won't be getting my apartment so soon after all.
It's tempting to move into an apartment by myself after my roommate moves out. Living by myself in this dorm will cost me another $441 per term. But I know that if I move out now, without even Andrew, I will just isolate myself further. So I guess I will just be the girl who no one can stand to live with. Then again, I can't stand to live with her, either. She is not a bad person, we're just very different people. We never would have been friends.
I don't sleep at night. I can't. I sleep a few hours every evening or after 5 or 6 A.M. and that's all I can get. I don't know how to explain it. Sleeping, other than when people are awake, makes me uncomfortable. But who am I kidding? I'm not missing out on anything by closing my eyes. My days are just so hollow, I guess I'm waiting for something to fill them. As though I cannot rest until it does. What a stupid person I am.
That is probably why she is leaving. I try to be quiet, but I guess it never works.
All I can do from feeling like everything is breaking down, is to tell myself that in only two weeks, I will be home. I will be away from here. I will be able to ignore it and block it out even easier for a whole month. I hope I am not a horrible person when I go back. I know I have been for so long. I can't believe some of the things I've done. I only hope I can quit.
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[19 Nov 2005|06:50pm] |
I melted plastic to my skin the other day. Hurrah for work. Also, thanks to my great parents for having nothing but a copy of a security card for me, and my great boss for not telling me until after I'd been working there for over a month, I almost lost my job because of my lack of signature on the SSN card. How lame. But hey, at least I got my receipt for the card today. So hurrah for finally getting paid. And at least now I know the process won't be so hard for getting Andrew one.
Last night I went dinner and a play (The Insect Comedy) with my roommate and a guy from down the hall. Seriously, he is like the only person I connect with here. It's not that other people aren't cool, it's just that I'm a shy idiot. I feel like one of those shitheads who's only part of the group through someone else and when that guy's not around... I feel too awkward and weird to talk to those other people. Ugh. I need to um.. find some sort of way to work on that and not be so lame.
Saving the best for last: Andrew called me yesterday and it was great. We talked for over two hours and had phone sex with my roommate in the room. haha, I'm awful. I miss him lots. I can't wait for him to get here. I have to find a way during Thanksgiving break to tell the rest of my family I'm getting married.
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| hit me, i can take a cheap shot.. |
[12 Nov 2005|02:15am] |
I think I've figured out why I am so depressed... lack of human touch and interaction. There's something that makes sense about constantly craving "physical comfort." And while I think about trainspotting's scenes of shooting up and smile (can you blame me? that look on his face is what everyone wants, no matter where they get it from) I forget about how babies die if they are not cuddled and held. I feel like a baby. Gross and longing for someone to pick me up and hold me.
Andrew's case has been sent to the National Visa Center now. Within a week, it will shipped off the embassy, where he will have his interview. Closer, closer.
... work tends to make me smile. As far as classes, my study habits are still as non-existent as they were in high school. I think (I am sure, actually, and it makes me feel so awful inside to admit that) I am getting less than an A in PHL 251 and I want to gouge my eyes out. Today was the last day to change courses to S/U (so that they do not affect GPA) and I missed it. I'd been trying to get a hold of my adviser all week... I pray they can make an exception. I constantly fuck myself over, this has to stop.
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| hurrah for vaginas (maybe) |
[08 Nov 2005|05:37pm] |
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The Cars - You Might Think I'm Crazy. |
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So, I want to get on the (birth control) shot (Depo Provera). It should be awesome because:
no more periods
no worries about taking a pill every day
But... I have heard some horror stories about this stuff lately. Like:
some women bleed for the first 3 months they're on it
if anything does go wrong... you have to wait 3 months to remedy it
Yeah, the last thing I want to do is bleed for 3 months straight. Especially the first 3 months Andrew and I are married. ... I think I'm just going to try to get seasonale (woohoo, only 4 periods) over Thanksgiving break. Last time I went in to see my doc. she refused to give it to me. I was talking to my human sexuality prof. about why a doctor would refuse seasonal... and there is NO GOOD reason. Not having your peroid in the case of amenorrhea is harmful because you aren't producing necessary estrogen... but since seasonal IS estrogen... yeah, stupid doctor. I hate having my period in these dorms. And it seems like I get it every time I want sex... haha. Last time (in July) it was awful waiting those three days.
Also... I have really bad cramps. I end up taking like... 1,000 MG of ibuprofen in less than two hours to make it go away. For a while I was taking Pat's pain killer stregnth stuff for it. I almost wondered if I had endometriosis. But I don't think I do... I think I just need to get rid of my period. It is such a pointless thing for me... I never want children.
BUT I have no more health insurance (which I did not know until I was half way through this entry when Marsha called)... ugh, now I have to go into Planned Parenthood, and that makes me nervous. I won't have sex unless I have the pill or the shot or something more than just condoms... and there is no way I won't have sex. I hope I don't have to pay much for the pill. :(
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[06 Nov 2005|03:39pm] |
I told Max last night that I am getting married. I had been so worried about telling him and I had no idea how to bring it up, anyway. He asked and I told him the truth... it was a lot 'easier' than I expected. He was also a lot nicer about it than I thought he'd be. We had a sort of long talk about it (on the phone) - mostly just about my financial situation and the economics of getting married. He seemed pretty worried about it... he did raise valid points. But I know that I will make it all work out, no matter what. I think the financial burden is worth it to live with Andrew now. The only way to escape such a financial burden would be to put off the move for another two years at the least. There is no way I am going to spend two more years separated from him.
Things should be okay, even if they will be hard. I'll be a resident of Oregon by spring quarter. Maybe even in time for winter quarter if I am lucky enough - hopefully the fact that I am living off campus and got married in Oregon will prove that I plan on sticking it out here. After that, I'll no longer have to worry about paying out of state tuition - I'll only owe the school $3,000 at most, since my financial aide will cover the rest. As it is, my tuition and school expenses should not be too much of a worry for Andrew and I. As I've said, I have financial aid covers half of my out of state tuition and my grandfather (I am so lucky to have him) pays the rest.
Living in an apartment in Corvallis isn't very expensive. We have the second highest minimum wage in the country and yet the average cost of rent for a one bedrom apt. here is only about $400. If he tries to get a job either after a quarter ends or at the beginning of summer... I somehow doubt it will be that difficult, considering the amount of students that will transfer or find some other way to leave Corvallis/OSU after each quarter and definitely all the kids who go home for the summer and leave their jobs behind as a result. So hopefully there will always be openings for something.
Also, the cost of living in an apartment is much cheaper than living in the dorms. It is even cheaper to buy food when living off campus. As it is, I have to pay $500 that I do not get use on food, just so that I can have a meal plan here. Having a meal plan is mandatory for students living on campus. I would have to move into an apartment during the summer, anyway, unless I wanted pay extra rates for summer lodging (only a few, even more expensive halls are open during the summer).
It will also be easier to pay for an apartment with the income of two of us than just by myself. He would be working full time once he got a job here and I'd still be working part time. He has enough in savings to last us quite a while if things do go wrong somehow or he can't find a job until summer or something awful like that.
I own my own car and get free busing because I am a resident of OSU. Transportation (availability, costs) isn't much of a worry then, either.
Either way, I will be poor. Living with Andrew will actually save me money... and it will make me so incredibly happy. I would much rather finally be happy and be near him permanently than to continue being separated and somehow more "financially secure."
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